Don't Make Me Look
by Kryssa
Summary: How do you react when your best friend is killed? Simple turn away. An introspective poem written from Miaka's POV about what she sees when she looks at Nuriko now. Spoilers for Episode 33 and rated K for implied violence.


Disclaimer: There are many creative ways to say, "I don't own Fushigi Yuugi." This is not one of them.

This poem literally popped into my head as I became drugged up on allergy medicine at around… midnight or so. I was just reading one of my manga and I came to Chapter 46 (a.k.a. Episode 33) and was instantly inspired.

Warning: Episode 33 spoilers. Death and angst and drama are abundant here, so be careful.

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Don't Make Me Look

Don't make me look into his eyes

The windows to a soul that should never be shattered

Of which such pain should never have touched

Don't make me watch those orbs of rose

As they begin to cloud over with eternal oblivion

I can't take the weight of his stare

I'm not able to hold his devoted gaze

Knowing that he died for me

Knowing that he would die again if it came to that

But seeing the utter peace in his eyes

The acceptance of death as his destiny to seek

It pushes me past my emotional limits

Drives me to begging and pleading

I would do anything to bring him back to life

Just don't make me look into his eyes

Don't make me look at his face

So open and loving and kind

For a moment in time I am allowed to smile

Then I see the blood running down his temples

Between his eyes like morbid teardrops

Streaming off his lips like a liquid promise

Until I can't stand it any longer

I want to wash his face and comb his hair

I want him to be just the way he was when perfect

For when I see him now

All I can see is the taint of death

The stolen vitality that can never be returned

With a smile of contentment forever painted on his porcelain features

And my heart keeps on breaking

And my tears keep on falling

So please, don't make me look at his face

Don't make me look at his body

At the radiant form that's so completely destroyed

Wrecked and broken like a doll no longer wanted

I can feel the wounds on his shoulders

I can count each of the holes in his side

It makes me want to scream as I try to stop the bloodshed

And knowing deep down that there's nothing I can do

The feeling of helplessness nearly overpowers me

It has made me push away my beloved

But the thing that truly kills me

Burns like a holocaust in my core and my being

Is the fact that his Seishi symbol shines ever brightly

Unaware of the fact that its human flesh is fading

That its essence is ready to fly without a care

The willow is the greatest of all nature's creations

And I start to think he's too strong to leave us

Denial is the best defense I have

The only shield against the sight before me

I stand up and search for the one who can fix this

The one who can bring him back to us before it's too late

Because I can't look at his body anymore

Don't make me look at him

At the deceased I once called Nuriko

We made him look beautiful again

We gave him the gift of his splendor

Can't I just remember him like that

Can't you just leave me in my anguish

I'm not strong enough to handle this

I tried to run but I was caught

I tried to hide but I was found

I want to believe that he's not really dead

And I can see the same desire shining behind all the Seishi's eyes

Yet reality is cruel and cold as the snow we kneel upon

There is a certain amount of ice within our hearts now

That will take an eternity to melt the grief away

I am forced to look at him

Forced to see that he is never coming back

Never going to eat, drink, walk, laugh with me

The tears keep flowing from my eyes even though I feel so numb

Somehow… words of compassion pierce through my misery

Realization dawns on me like a blossoming orchid

And I know the truth

That no matter where he is

In this life or the next

He will watch over me and protect me

I will never be alone and he is never truly gone

For where there is memory there is life

You have made me look at him

This time, I won't look away

***

One reason I've hated Miaka was because she ran away from Nuriko's body when she couldn't handle knowing that he died. Through a great deal of the series, she runs away from her problems and I just… my respect for her goes down the proverbial toilet. However, this doesn't mean I can't empathize with the poor girl. In fact… a lot of this poem came from what I felt the first time that I watched Nuriko die, and the feeling never changes as I watch the episode over and over.


End file.
